Sunday, February 4, 2007
Paralyzed in Fear ~
While I was in a quaint little shop in a little ole mining town called Murphy's, I saw the words "Love like you'll Never get Hurt," engraved on this granite tile and I stopped in my tracks. I stood still. It made me think... love like you'll NEVER get hurt. Could you only imagine? The walls we build around our heart to protect us from getting hurt. No Walls? And then to feel so open to love fully. Just stop and think about that. I don't even know what that would feel like.
When I was pregnant with my son, I was rejected. HURT. I added a layer of bricks (protection) to a wall already up from previous hurts. When I married my husband, we became a blended family. Growing up in one, I knew what that was like. Again, HURT, and another layer to my wall.
Married, I had ideas of how I wanted our blended family to be; I wanted it different than that of the home I grew up in. I thought I had enough love to make it all better. However, I was young, and the boys let me know that I was not their mom. They needed their mom, they had their hurts, their own walls, at this young and tender age. So, sometimes no matter how I hard I tried, I did feel the rejection. Then... there are broken friendships. HURT. Another layer to the wall.... when does it end? I thought about all of the hurting people walking this earth. We all have hurts. I know now, that from this rejection, and this hurt, you learn valuable lessons and gain a bigger understanding. All in its good time.
When My husband had cancer... he had his tumor removed, and then opted not to have the next surgery. It was his choice. I had to respect that. In making this choice, he had to have aggressive check ups for 5 years. We have passed the 5 year mark, but still have to have check ups, just not aggressive. Living with never knowing when and if it was coming back and then there was his choice of living. I am talking about smoking, drinking and what he would eat. I felt as if I was living with a walking time bomb that was going to go off at any minute. We would argue about this. I could not get through to him what a gift this was and he had to make some changes.... he did not. He would try, but then go right back to his old habits. Something started happening to me. My love felt paralyzed in my fear that I was going to lose him, something so precious to me. I was talking to my friend Darlene, and I told her I could feel myself only get so close to him. And she asked me why? She pressed it out of me, not letting this one go. It all just started flowing out. The dam broke. There was no stopping it. I cried, she cried. We talked about this paralyzing fear and how I could not go on like this. I had to make a choice. To love him and all his bad habits or stay paralyzed in this marriage and not move forward, missing out on what this marriage could be. I know that ultimately, it is my husband's choice in the decisions he makes for himself in how he treats his body. It is my choice to not stay paralyzed in this fear and to love this man fully with all my heart, come what may. I talked to my husband about this of course. We cried together. He was grateful I shared this with him and said he would try harder, and he has. And I love him all the more for it.
I guess what my point is: do not be paralyzed in fear of getting hurt. God did not intend for us to live like this. We are going to get hurt. It is going to happen. It is a fact. But let's make the choice to love like we will never get hurt. Yes, it will leave us vulnerable. But what is the worst that can happen? We are already hurting our self by denying the possibility to love fully by staying behind the walls protecting our heart. To forgive would help us to move forward, out of this paralyzed state, to be free....TEAR down those WALLS!!
Let's just see what happens.