Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Too Good Not To Share ~

A carrot, an egg, and a cup of coffee...You will never look at a cup of coffee the same way again.

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up, She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me what you see?" Her daughter replied, "Carrots, eggs, and coffee."

Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg. Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, "What does it mean, mother?"

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

"Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?"

Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy.

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so at the end, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.

You might want to send this message to those people who mean something to you (I JUST DID); to those who have touched your life in one way or another; to those who make you smile when you really need it; to those who make you see the brighter side of things when you are really down; to those whose friendship you appreciate; to those who are so meaningful in your life.

If you don't send it, you will just miss out on the opportunity to brighten someones day with this message!

May we all be COFFEE!

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Missing you ~

I have more room to stretch in bed.
I can stay up as late as I want.
I don't have to make dinner.
I can read as long as I want without any interruptions.
I can get a pedicure in the middle of the week during dinner hour.
I don't have to share the bathroom sink while brushing my teeth.


I'm counting the days until he comes home!

And today, he asked, "Do you miss me?"

*Our first week apart while he is working on a beach house.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010


My name is _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about are my needs and how to go about fulfilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you, I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself and since I don't, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until I make a decision to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action. Until I make that decision, I will hurt you again and again. Stop being surprised. I am an addict and that's what addicts do.


I feel like I have been walking through a war zone, not knowing where the next bomb is coming from or when it is going to hit. I am having difficulty sleeping, and when I do, my dreams are nightmares. I also have a hard time concentrating. I find myself worrying about my sister and wondering how her problem escalated to an acme point of such self-destruction. I feel like I am often in shock and am having a hard time believing that this is really happening. When I do sleep and wake up, it feels like it's a constant hangover that won't go away.

On top of dealing with my sister's self-destruction, my mom and I have been filling out guardianship papers for my sister's four children and when we aren't with them, our time is spent at the court house or trying to catch up on our chores; something always needs to be done. Our whole family pitches in where they can and helps support one another when it's least expected. The children's ages are 19 months, 3, 5 and 8 years of age. The well-being and security of my nieces and nephew are the matter of utmost importance right now.

It has been hard to watch my sister disappear and become someone I don't know anymore. Addicts base their truth on a bed of lies. I love my baby sister so much. I find myself sad, angry, frustrated, and grieving these days. I know her recovery has to be her choice. I pray to God, she will hit rock bottom and come to her senses very soon before it is too late. I pray that He will prepare our hearts for that and will continue to give us strength to get through it, and wisdom to know how to handle it. My mom says this addiction is so much bigger than we realize. It must be so hard, as a mother, to watch and not be able to do anything.

Right now I'm trying to understand the difference between helping and enabling (I don't want to love someone to death)...and also learning not to let her addiction run my life.

I've come to understand that love doesn't hold a candle to addiction.

I feel emotionally bankrupt...

How do you just walk away from someone you love?

Friday, October 8, 2010

What's For Din Din?

Baby Bella mushrooms (I use two packages; we fight over these), green bell pepper, white onion, peas, yellow, red, and orange sweet peppers, broccoli, and celery.

Added one package of bean sprouts for more crunch... some chicken for Charlie, and some KIKKOMAN Teriyaki Spicy Miso sauce.

Mmmm ~ sooo good!

What are you having for dinner?

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

The Call ~

As I was making dinner, my daughter kissed me goodbye and left for a meeting. About five minutes later, my phone rang. I thought immediately it was my son calling as he drove home from his bay area commute. My heart skipped a beat when I saw it was my daughter. I thought to myself, 'Oh she just forgot to tell me something.' When I heard her voice say, "Momma?" I knew. She sounded like she was trying not to cry, and definitely scared. She said, "I got into an accident, I'm okay, but I'm scared momma, there is a man on the ground, please come quick."

Charlie was on his cell phone, and I told him in a panic stricken voice, our daughter got into an accident, and where... to go now. I had to turn the stove off and put the dogs up, and find my shoes. I thought it would be quicker for Charlie to leave and get to her than to wait for me to take care of everything around the house that needed to be taken care of.

My heart started to race even faster as I heard every siren start blaring in the little town where we live. It seemed as if they were on forever. I jumped into the car and turned the corner to where the accident was. I could see they had the whole street of Hatch road blocked off and there were fire trucks, sheriff cars, and ambulance vehicles everywhere. I couldn't see my daughter anywhere. I needed a visual! I had to park a block away and started running to where the emergency vehicles were gathered. I heard someone call my name and looked to see who it was. She happened to be the mother of one of my son's best friend's (a second mom to our son), who also happens to be a nurse; she walked up to the accident with me. Jana was a great comfort as she checked the accident before I was able to see anything, making sure I wasn't going to see anything that was going to throw me into shock greater than I started to experience.

As I saw our daughter standing next to her dad, my heart calmed a little. Then I saw the gentleman who hit our daughter, on the ground (my heart sank). I saw our daughter's car. As I looked around trying to take everything in, I then saw the big rig who had to pull over, it looked like in a rush, to the side of the road. There was also the big four wheel drive who pulled up after the accident and immediately blocked the road so that the other drivers could not go any further.

Our daughter told us, as soon as the accident happened, people stopped, it seemed out of no where and accessed the situation and mentioned they were nurses, paramedics that were off duty. She felt as if they were angels. They are angels!

The driver of the motorcycle spent one night in the hospital and wasn't badly hurt. Our daughter has to pull her seat up very close to the steering wheel, but the air bag didn't blow out luckily because the hit wasn't straight on. When the passengers side view mirror flew into the back seat of her car (she had the window down) it missed her head. My friend, the nurse, called later to check on all of us. Our neighbors and friends also came by to see how we were doing. My heart was full as I said my prayers before going to bed. I am very thankful and feel so blessed.

Sirens in our little town are always a harbinger of talk. What we all do when we hear those sirens go off: we start praying. After all, besides the people who are directly involved in the accident and the emergency crew, there is someone who will get the call.

Friday, October 1, 2010

I Have Butterflies...

A couple of years ago, the California Native Plant Society had a plant sale and I bought some plants. They were drought tolerant and also attracted hummingbirds and butterflies. The plant basically looks like a weed and my husband begs me if he can pull it out almost every time he works in the yard. He tells me so often that I got suckered into buying some weeds that I started to wonder myself. The first year, my plant didn't do anything and I was really disappointed with it. The next year, my plant had some fuzz on it and didn't flower; not a butterfly in sight. However, this year my plant is in full bloom and everyday I find a different species of butterflies. It has been a blast photographing them and trying to figure out what type of butterfly they are.

Patience ~ Good things come to those who wait.


Below are three photos of the Monarch whom are strong fliers.

Ummm... I don't know what this one is.

I believe this butterfly is a Painted Lady.

In this photo, I liked the way the butterfly is a fluttering blur ~ kinda dreamy.

I think this one is a Clouded Sulphur.

I can't figure out what this butterfly is. I do know it is pretty!

While I was waiting for the butterflies to land and bask in the sun, I took some photo's of other's who were visiting my garden.

If you know what any of these butterflies are, please do share your knowledge with me. I find them so fascinating!