To Own It ~

Our lives are not determined by what happens to us but by how we react to what happens, not by what life brings to us, but by the attitude we bring to life. A positive attitude causes a chain reaction of positive thoughts, events, and outcomes. It is a catalyst, a spark that creates extraordinary results.

anon~

Have you ever had a reaction with specific feelings because of something that happened? Has this reaction and thought process ever continually reoccurred in your life? Coming from a divorced family, I have plenty of "connectors" or "triggers" that have in the past and from time to time set me off. I can usually figure out where it comes from. Once I have done that, I understand what is going on inside of me and I try not to "react" to the connectors or whatever triggered that feeling. Eventually, I can work myself through it and the feeling usually dissipates. In the past year, I have had one feeling which I just can't get a hold of. I end up reacting to it and as a result, look like a crazy lady. It is the feeling like I am not worth it. As I get older, I have noticed that I am able to express myself more. Usually, I keep things bottled up and can let it go, or learned to pick my battles. This particular connector has been coming up a lot in the past three weeks.

Charlie mentioned over dinner the other night how content he feels. I just sat there wishing that I felt similarly. He looked at me and said oh so peacefully, "Don't you feel content?" I plainly said, "NO." He just looked at me puzzled and said,"What is going on baby?" I explained to him how I was feeling about the "not worth it feeling" and went on to say, I feel like I take it and take it until I am backed into a corner and ultimately come out swinging (not literally) yelling "I AM WORTH IT!" He just looked at me as he listened intently and said, "Well, hit em' hard the first time so they get it. In my experience, it only took one swing." I started busting up laughing. He lightened what was feeling so heavy to me.

I was reading a certain passage in a book called Ordinary Sparkling Moments yesterday. For some reason, it shed some light on what I was trying to process. The feeling of being loved.

Passage~

On a snowy January day in the Midwest I visited a cemetery, and came across a grave marker peeking through the snow. All that could be seen was a portion of the word LOVED in gold letters, a tiny piece of evidence of what lay beneath the expansive carpet of glittering snowflakes crunching beneath my feet. As I stood among the bare trees and inhaled deeply, I contemplated all the ways our lives become uniquely empty when a loved one passes on, how we create these testaments to make sure the world understands how deeply loved those closest to us were. It is this one particular piece of a person's life that most people want remembered above all else: that they were Loved.

I want to be loved enough to know that I was worth it. Deeply loved.

I know that I am loved... don't get me wrong. But, I am an "actions speak louder than words" kinda girl and like more than lip service. It is really big with me. My mind understands actions and can wrap around them. I started thinking back to when this feeling started, and could pin point it right away. I didn't feel like this when I was little. It was when we moved into my step father's house. In a divorce (at least this was my experience) you get pushed aside, your really not wanted, or you're left to feel less important. You fall between the cracks. I was a girl who needed her mom at an already tender time, and she was trying desperately to make a second marriage work. It wasn't anything like the Brady Bunch and I knew the true meaning of the wicked step siblings. I eventually moved in with my dad; it was where I had felt wanted. To quote Lily Owens from The Secret Life of Bees, "My whole life has been nothing but a hole, where my mother should have been. It always left me aching." It is just one of the repercussion's of divorce. Either way, there was a hole where one parent wasn't. To be fair, I know now what it takes to be a step parent; it is hard. I went into my own marriage knowing first hand what it was like being the child of a step-family, thinking I had enough love to make their world better. I was so wrong. They had hurts of their own, feeling as if they were abandoned, and my love and attention only was a constant reminder of what was not in their life; their mom. The love I had to give, felt as if I was pouring salt into their wounds. Divorce is hard, period.
Note* Things are now good between me and my step-dad.

Later that day, in a conversation with my daughter Diandra, she understood what I was trying to express with her. I felt relieved because I was trying to understand it myself. Diandra then said, "We all strive in life to beat the feeling of worthlessness and inferiority, and search for acceptance. When we realize that what we're fighting against is a concept trying to diminish our God given, intrinsic value, it becomes easier to dismiss and stand our ground. We no longer need to subject ourselves to this inferiority complex that tries to suppress us from living our life in freedom to just be.
Be who we are, without conditions.
We're all running around doing the same thing: fighting off these labels, ideas, and concepts about who we are and what we may become. The mere fact that we fight makes these concepts inadequate, null, void of any truth. We are the opposite of what we fight. No one can take this away.
Your fight for example: You are worthless.
The opposite, intrinsic value: You are worth.
No matter what, we are, it can't be taken away with any label.
It is truth."

I just stood there, in awe that I gave birth to this young women who spoke such wisdom. Whether she goes into psychology of the mind or the brain, I know that she will definitely make an impact whatever she decides. I am so proud of her!

I went back and forth whether or not to post something so personal. I want to stay true to trying to be authentic to who I am. I really am in a good place. Life is a process and I am moving forward not backwards.

I am of worth ~ It is truth.
I have to own this.