Sunday, March 16, 2008

Nothing to Give

My Camellia bush

Charlie's hair has started to fall out... so tonight we shaved it all off. Tomorrow he goes back into the hospital for his second five day round of chemo. We thought it would be best if we took care of that now here at home instead of his hair shedding off there at the hospital throughout the week. It would have been messy and made him feel uncomfortable. He was a little down about shaving it all off and I assured him it would grow back. Truth is ~ as I was shaving his head, I felt like I was fighting the tears back and making sure I had a "brave face" on... in case he seen my reflection in the mirror.


My daughter Diandra has had a relapse with her eating disorder and has lost a lot of weight. I am very concerned about her. Charlie and I both are.


I have wondered what makes a person more resilient than others. How one can adjust easily to misfortune. I wonder what it must feel like to be like that. I have been told that I am strong... and when I hear those words, I think to myself, 'I don't feel strong.' Most of the time, I feel like I am just going through the motions. I feel like it is more of an "out of body" experience. It's not me. Most of the time I could probably say I am scared. Real scared of losing what is most precious to me.


I have been sitting here for 10 minutes trying to type something... and I have nothing else to give.


  1. It takes strength to put on and keep a "brave face" for any length of time. It takes strength to remove yourself enough from a situation, as "out of body", to keep on doing what you have to do.

    It takes a special kind of strength to know when to ask others for help. You are right to let everyone know you are feeling vulnerable.

    Lean on us and your daughter, son, parents, sisters ..... We are all here for you. You just need to ask when you need our combined strength and prayers.

    Much love and respect,

  2. I agree with your aunt Jeanne
    sweet one we are here for you always no matter what, no matter what is going on in our own lives.

    you are strong, you are brave
    but most importantly my dear
    you are very much LOVED

    Love you so

  3. Angela,
    you are doing what you need to do being brave and strong and admitting that you just can't be so all the time. That is okay somtimes it takes everything you have got to just get thru the day and that is okay too.
    Sweet one like your family says please let people help you they want too ...its just that sometime people are heisitant to offer their help because they are fearful of doing and saying the wrong thing. Let us all help you get thru it and know that everything you are feeling is a normal part of all that you are going thru and it is okay to have no words.
    You know that I will continue to hold each of you in my prayers and I wish I could be there to help you.Just know that I am here if you need anything.
    Much love and prayers,

  4. Ang~*~
    I hear you say, "going through the motions" but this is what I see...

    ~ a woman who gets up very early and goes to work everyday, on time and works hard serving others

    ~ a woman who has made the decision to stay healthy and consistantly excersizes...still!

    ~ you do the laundry, you clean your house, you make meals

    ~ you carry on even with that natural mother's worry having a son in service to his country

    I see bravery
    I see strength
    I see you embrace this battle with a quiet courage

    and that, my love, is more than going through the motions...that is claiming the ground under your feet, with every step forward you take!

    that is who you are

    This battle you fight will end, but it will end with victory!

    i love you,
    xo darlene

  5. YOU gave us everything YOU had Angela, even that picture of that sweet Carmellia will be in my mind today as I pray for YOU and Charlie and all your family today! Thank YOU sweetie! Love and prayers, Cinda

  6. much, much love to you
    and a big hug

  7. Yes, you do have more to give! ... you will be surprised how much more you have in you to give because it is what you have to do and you are doing it for one of your most dearest loved ones. Knock on that door, sweetie, and just ask for the strength and He will answer. As for your family, we all have your back and we are all with you in prayer!

  8. I would add a huge AMEN to everything Darlene said. Dear Sweet Angela ~~ that's exactly what I see ~~ A woman taking care of "the business of living and being a care giver" with grace and strength. You are an amazing woman!!
    Prayer for C and D!!
    Love and Hugs for You!!
    Wanda Mom

  9. Momma,

    YOU are the strongest woman I know. You amaze me in the simplest of things. I learn lessons from listening to you speak of the things I forget to pay attention to; things God wants us to see sometimes.

    I love you.

  10. Somehow you will make it through.
    Life is hard. ... It has ups and downs. Only in the valley do we really know how much we need a Savior! I pray for you all....
    I am so sorry that you have to go through this.

  11. As over whelming as is seems, take each new event, one step at a time, one day at a time.
    Don't project to the 'what ifs', and the 'why's'.
    I understand 'the out of body experience', and if that is how you cope, then good.
    It works for you.
    Keeping you close to my heart..

  12. I kind of understand how you feel. My daughter had a seizure in December 2006. A week before Christmas we found out she had a brain tumor the size of a lemon. She was only 24 at the time. Two days after Christmas she had brain surgery. The doctor was able to remove 80% of the tumor. He said it was a slow growing cancerous tumor and she had probably had it most of her life. They wanted to do chemo and radiation at the same time but found out her chromizones would not accept the chemo while taking the radiation. So they did 6 weeks of radiation. They said their goal was to shrink it as much as possible but there was no way they could get it all because of the type of cancer it was and how embedded into the brain it was. She finished her radiation March 8, 2007. In May she went back for another MRI. They said they could see the tumor but could not get an accurate reading because the spot was still hot from the radiation. We prayed from day one for God to heal her. We kept praying and praying. So many people were praying for her. In September 2007 she went back for another MRI. The doctor said it was GONE. He said he knew God healed her because there was no way the radiation could get it all. He gave God the create and glory for her healing. She went back March 5, 2008 for another MRI. It showed there is nothing. She is now 25 and still wearing a baseball cap to cover the short hair that is growing back darker than her natural hair. I said all that to say.....there is hope, hope in God's healing power. Put your faith and trust in God and He can heal your husband and even heal your daughter of her eating disorder if it is His will.

    Trust in the Lord with all your heart...........

  13. Like you, I've been told I'm extremely strong and never felt it. I understand when you say you feel like it is an out of body experience--at least I understand it in the way that feels to me--and when it is all done, you wonder how you will take one more step, because it will be there tomorrow, waiting for you to take it. And there will be needs and your reserves are a little low to say the least. But, you do it because Corinthians is true. We will never be given more than we can handle with God's help. Never. So, yeah, you feel this way, but you are doing the job at hand and your gentle loving spirit is strong. Feeling that way may well be valid, but it isn't true. You have the strength! You've always had it. You do, Anglea, you'll do just fine. Call me if you need to. Praying for all your family because they are also mine since you love them...

  14. I happened upon your blog via another blog...not quite sure how though. I took the time to read through it starting from your first post and on to the most current.

    I am sorry to hear your husband is fighting cancer and is having a difficult time. After 22 years of marriage it is the 2 of you who make up the "whole" of your home. I say this because I am coming up on my 23th anniversary and it certainly feels like the 2 of us make up a whole person.

    I related to the comment of people saying how strong you are... I have a son with an Autism Disorder; specifically, Asperger's Syndrome. We had years of going through hell when he was violent, angry, destructive, etc. I spent 8 years going from specialist to specialist looking for help and answers. In those years I reached the end of my rope on more than one occasion and once, in the doctor's office I asked her what does a person do when they are at the end of the rope and hanging on by the tip of their baby finger. She didn't know. You go on. One minute, one hour, one day at a time. One foot in front of the other, with all the support from family and friends you can muster. I think it must look like strength to those around us because they haven't had to deal with such a situation. A relative told me once that God doesn't give you more than you can carry. I laughed out loud and replied that since SHE didn't have such a tremendous burden how could she say that to me? It is only when I talk to someone else in similar circumstances that I feel the weight lift at all.

    I wonder if perhaps the stress of her father's cancer has lent to the recurrance/relapse of your daughter's eating disorder. I do not know what the situation there is but hope she can work through it. There have been eating disorders within my family circle and it is such a struggle to get under control.

    My thoughts are with you and your family and I hope there is a happy ending to this story. I recently came out of yet another difficult, DIFFICULT situaton and am still recovering mentally from that time. My suggestion is to be easy on yourselves and just get through each day in whatever way works for you and yours.

  15. Darlene pointed the way.

    You and your family are on my personal prayer list. Nightly you will receive prayers and Rieki energy to support you through these times.

    When my wife, Maryann, was first diagnosed with non-Hodgkins lymphoma our world was rocked. However, she took the position that she had it and it did NOT have her.

    As she was losing her hair she went to her hair salon and asked Linda for the GI Jane cut.

    It has been more than 11 years, one session with chemo, one session with rituxin and one stem cell transplant. At her last meeting with the doctor things looked so good we do not have to see the doc again for another year. HUZZAH!!!

    I am currently touting Tolle's book, A New Earth. You might find a gem or two there to help you on your journey.

    The photo Darlene posted of you all in Carmel is wonderful. That looks to be a very positive energy spot for you all.

    My peace and love be with you always, and my you continue to...

    Serve with integrity, care about those you serve and share the love in your soul.

  16. Angela,
    I found you through Darlene and want you to know you are such an inspiration and that others understand what you are feeling right now and are sending you a world of love and support.
    I know well that feeling of putting on the brave face, etc. as I am just barely over nearly losing my loving man. His health is on the way back and I have received suport from around the world and in my own back yard. Letting people know how you feel is hard sometimes but it pays off. It is OK to be vulnerable.
    The best to you and your husband and may you consider each day a step toward full health.

  17. Angela, I came here from Yolandas blog and after reading your stories, I too see a strong women. Darlene couldn't have said it any better. Will keep your Charlie and you in my prayers. Hugs and Prayers, Pat

  18. Bless you, and your family. I found you through Darlene's blog, and am adding my prayers to your bowl. Your family is due for some's to seeing God work in amazing ways!

  19. Oh mum.....I wish....I could be there to comfort you.....I almost cried toward the end of the message....I love you...and be brave through all this....I can't imagine what you are going through....I give you all my love and Charlie and diandra are in our prayers.....we love you all so much and we think about you all, all the time....

  20. Darling, I'm just catching up. I hear you on this one. All last year, you all left comments making me look like some kind of saint with unearthly strength. Inside, I felt like the angry crushed wreck I was.

    The strength you all saw in me - and that we all now see in you - is God shining through is. In our darkest hour, we are leaning on him. Pressing into him. In my case, throwing myself on him. I couldn't always feel his presence. My doubt and fear was overwhelming. But you all stood in the gap for me and covered me in prayer.

    We all stand in the gap for you and Charlie and your whole family. If you have fear, don't sweat it. If your doubts fill you with guilt, don't sweat it. If you feel like you can't handle it, God will hold you up. He's doing it with or without our requests. But I'm bugging him all the same.

    Don't let the enemy ever tell you you are alone. We are all holding you up in prayer. And God's got your back in a huge way. I'm praying HUGE. I'm expecting miracles. God will glory in this story. Even through the fissures of my doubt, he will prevail in this.

    I'll stop now or I'll fill this whole page.

    I am praying for Charlie's complete healing. I am praying for your daughter's complete healing. I am praying for your strength - and strength for your whole family.

    God's got your back.