Sunday, March 16, 2008
Nothing to Give
My Camellia bush
Charlie's hair has started to fall out... so tonight we shaved it all off. Tomorrow he goes back into the hospital for his second five day round of chemo. We thought it would be best if we took care of that now here at home instead of his hair shedding off there at the hospital throughout the week. It would have been messy and made him feel uncomfortable. He was a little down about shaving it all off and I assured him it would grow back. Truth is ~ as I was shaving his head, I felt like I was fighting the tears back and making sure I had a "brave face" on... in case he seen my reflection in the mirror.
My daughter Diandra has had a relapse with her eating disorder and has lost a lot of weight. I am very concerned about her. Charlie and I both are.
I have wondered what makes a person more resilient than others. How one can adjust easily to misfortune. I wonder what it must feel like to be like that. I have been told that I am strong... and when I hear those words, I think to myself, 'I don't feel strong.' Most of the time, I feel like I am just going through the motions. I feel like it is more of an "out of body" experience. It's not me. Most of the time I could probably say I am scared. Real scared of losing what is most precious to me.
I have been sitting here for 10 minutes trying to type something... and I have nothing else to give.