Monday, August 11, 2008
In Saying Goodbye ~
One of the things that I love about getting away to the area of the Sierra Mountains we visit is not only that there aren't any towers for your cel phone's to work, television's are extinct there too. There is one store with three pay phone's; that is it. I will bring at least three books to read during our stay. During this visit, as I was reading, I laid beneath the sky under the trees and would occasionally look up at Charlie to see what he was doing. Sometimes I feel a little guilty getting into a good book and not wanting to put it down. This one time, I felt him staring at me and looked at him looking at me, lost in a serious thought. I asked him what he was thinking about. This is what he said to me... "How I am going to write you a goodbye letter." I felt like the air was knocked out of me and the rug was pulled out from under me. I was in no shape or form thinking that I would hear that in response to my question. I thought maybe something like, "Oh... the fish that got away." Tears immediately welled up in my eyes, and I looked away from him. I couldn't believe he said that to me, let alone ready to hear that. I tried to hold my tears in and not show him how upset it had made me. Although he quickly changed the subject seeing that it had upset me. I still couldn't look at him. I just stared up into the sky and watched the cloud that was above me twirl around like someone was blowing into it. I tried to ignore whatever my husband was saying to me as I tried to regain my composure, only to have the tears just keep flowing from my eyes. He then asked, "Are you angry with me?" I initially wanted to spare him by shaking my head no, then before I knew it, I blurted out, "Yes, I am angry with you (I don't want him to leave me)! Why are you thinking like that?" He said with brokenness in his voice, "If something happens to me, I want you to know how I feel about you. There are things I need you to know." I started to cry hard and tried to get out, "I know how you feel about me. Don't think like that!"
I underestimated that the c-scan he will be having this week and finding out the results is weighing heavy on our minds. We have been keeping ourselves way too busy with life, family and the grand-kids to even talk about it. Mindfully so, maybe that we couldn't talk about it. I think it is best that we cross these bridges when we come to them.
As I laid there after our conversation, I just watched the clouds and pondered what he must be feeling. If one knew they had to say goodbye... I could only imagine. I got up, walked over to him and gave him a kiss and a long hug. I told him that I wasn't angry anymore, but I couldn't have him think like that... only positive thoughts.