Monday, August 11, 2008

In Saying Goodbye ~

One of the things that I love about getting away to the area of the Sierra Mountains we visit is not only that there aren't any towers for your cel phone's to work, television's are extinct there too. There is one store with three pay phone's; that is it. I will bring at least three books to read during our stay. During this visit, as I was reading, I laid beneath the sky under the trees and would occasionally look up at Charlie to see what he was doing. Sometimes I feel a little guilty getting into a good book and not wanting to put it down. This one time, I felt him staring at me and looked at him looking at me, lost in a serious thought. I asked him what he was thinking about. This is what he said to me... "How I am going to write you a goodbye letter." I felt like the air was knocked out of me and the rug was pulled out from under me. I was in no shape or form thinking that I would hear that in response to my question. I thought maybe something like, "Oh... the fish that got away." Tears immediately welled up in my eyes, and I looked away from him. I couldn't believe he said that to me, let alone ready to hear that. I tried to hold my tears in and not show him how upset it had made me. Although he quickly changed the subject seeing that it had upset me. I still couldn't look at him. I just stared up into the sky and watched the cloud that was above me twirl around like someone was blowing into it. I tried to ignore whatever my husband was saying to me as I tried to regain my composure, only to have the tears just keep flowing from my eyes. He then asked, "Are you angry with me?" I initially wanted to spare him by shaking my head no, then before I knew it, I blurted out, "Yes, I am angry with you (I don't want him to leave me)! Why are you thinking like that?" He said with brokenness in his voice, "If something happens to me, I want you to know how I feel about you. There are things I need you to know." I started to cry hard and tried to get out, "I know how you feel about me. Don't think like that!"

I underestimated that the c-scan he will be having this week and finding out the results is weighing heavy on our minds. We have been keeping ourselves way too busy with life, family and the grand-kids to even talk about it. Mindfully so, maybe that we couldn't talk about it. I think it is best that we cross these bridges when we come to them.

As I laid there after our conversation, I just watched the clouds and pondered what he must be feeling. If one knew they had to say goodbye... I could only imagine. I got up, walked over to him and gave him a kiss and a long hug. I told him that I wasn't angry anymore, but I couldn't have him think like that... only positive thoughts.


  1. May the soft wings of peace and healing wrap around you both.

    May you be sustained

    that the only thing that lasts
    is love.

    Sending hope, Sending love,

    and wings of peace,


  2. Ditto what maithri said.

    You are not the only one with tears. I was just testing an addition to my blog when I saw this posting. I thought I had read it, but I hadn't.

    It must be difficult to contemplate one's mission accomplishment. It must be difficult when one faces the mere thought of it at such a young age.

    Maintaining a positive attitude is easier said than done. Sometimes it might be better to express the feelings of the moment.

    My guess is that you weren't angry with him, but, perhaps, yourself. He needs you now as much as you need him. You will always be a part of each other in this life and subsequent ones.

    So, for what it may be worth, succumb to the mind-numbing thought of his even thinking of writing such a note. Give yourself some time, but not too long, to let it sink in. He only wants you to know how much he loves you, cares about you, how much he feels he may be deserting you. You are the light of his life. Rejoice in that knowledge.

    Should Charlie have the inclination, he is welcome to become a cyber pen pal. I would be honored. If he is not ready for that, it is OK too.

    May love and peace continue to be with you always.

  3. My dear Angela ~~ no one should have to feel and hear what you are going throught... but in life, many do.

    All you can do, is what you did..embrace this man long and hard, and continue to tell him how much you love him.

    Depending on Julie's condition, I may not get to come with Pastor Dad this weekend. Tomorrow's results will help me make my decision. Family first.... :)

  4. My dentist said something wise to me, this morning. Maybe it will help. I don't remember the conversation except it was like God put this into my head. . ."we just haven't gotten comfortable with having to live this way, yet!"

    I telling you this as it was a shinning light for me. I've been wondering what else I could possible do for Tim to make him happier. I'm glad he's here, why can't he be glad too. When I heard that one sentence from the dentist, I had my answer. Because neither of us are comfortable with the changes we've gone through yet. Picture me holding your bruised and aching heart along with Charlie's and watching them beat in perfect tempo for life. It is only that change that is hard. Praying for both of you as you go through this.

    Another friend of mine is having a 4 hour MRI on her leg and ankle for signs of cancer again. Sigh! I hate the word Cancer! But, I love a good many people with it. Blessings and peace for you both.

  5. Sometimes you have to go there and say what you have to say in order to have some inner peace. ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
    Charlie loves you so much and wants you to know it. You feel the same about him. Maybe if you exchange love letters (not of goodbye but of hello again), you both will be lighter of heart and stronger in spirit to conquer the rest of this monster together.
    I can't imagine any other outcome than the good one after having come this far.
    The prayers and the love are still coming at you from all sides!


  6. Angela, this was hard for me to read as I am sure it was for you to write because I have been there before. I just wanted to send you a hug and let you and Charlie know you are always in my prayers.

  7. Mia,

    you are both so in our prayers and I can understand how you feel and I can understand how Charlie must feel in wanting to express his thoughts to you.
    just keep hugging and loving
    and keep listening and telling him your feelings.
    like maithri said the only thing that
    last forever is LOVE

    and you and Charlie are most loved
    you have all of us always
    big hug to you both

    lol( lot's of Love)

  8. When tests are looming a lot of negative thoughts resurface. It will probably be like that for every test. Even 6 years down the line M starts getting skittish at least 3 months before. The family feels it and if we allowed it we would all end up being nervous wrecks. The thought of tests initiates fear. I have heard this over and over again from every cancer survivor. It's not much comfort except that it is perfectly natural to relive the fear whenever tests loom. The best solution, I find, is being very busy doing things that absorb one. M's fishing trips are his balm. I throw myself into my artwork like a madwoman, losing myself for hours on end. I'm sure that once Charlie has passed his tests several times he will begin to believe that he's beaten it. His nerves are stil so raw from what he has been through that he is bracing himself for bad news. It does get better!

  9. Whew. That was a hard one. My prayers are still there for you guys.