Sunday, April 6, 2008

One day at a time ~

creeping fig growing on the side of a barn

* Wednesday Charlie had chemo and on Thursday morning he had experienced intense pain in his stomach area. I rushed him to the emergency room where we spent the rest of the day. He was admitted into the hospital that night and has been there ever since. We have had test after test ran and three different Doctors and a Surgeon come in and talk to us. They have all told us the same thing without discussing it with each other (I find this comforting). These tests show that the chemo is working and it seems that the pain he is feeling is a very good thing. Meanwhile, they are trying to manage his pain in the hospital and trying to control it as much as possible so that he can come home. They are trying different pain medications to see what is more effective so that he won't be taking so many. They're concerned about his kidney's, bladder, and liver. The goal right now is to find a stronger pain reliever to work over a longer period of time because then that would be less going through his organs on top of the chemo. Today is Sunday, and it doesn't look like he will be coming home... tomorrow he starts his five day chemo and is scheduled to go back into the hospital for that. They feel it might be better to just keep him there. Nine days in the hospital ~ is a long haul. During a normal five day stay with chemo is hard enough for Charlie; by Wednesday he has had it and by Thursday his spirit is crushed and he feels defeated.
* Saturday morning as I was getting ready to go to the hospital, my little Sophie had what I think is a seizure. She couldn't see and it scared her and I both. I worried about her all day while I was at the hospital. I just wanted to put her in my purse and bring her with me (and I would have if she wasn't a big barker). I will have to make an appointment to see our vet soon.
* My daughter Diandra also had a crying spell that morning as she was getting ready to go to work. I tried to console her.
* Today is my nephews birthday party... that I won't be going to. It is the second birthday that I have missed. It has been a long time since I have seen my family all together. I believe the last time was Christmas. I miss everyone.
* I come home from the hospital feeling exhausted but needing to unwind, I get on the computer to check my e-mail and see what is going on in blog land. When I have time, I check on all of you . I miss you ~ I haven't left you ~ I will be back. I miss having time to comment like I used to, and I will be honest, I am finding that I just don't have the words to comment.

*I feel like my world has just stopped in a yucky place. When I am alone or with someone I feel safe with (as well as here with you my blog friends :) thank you~) to release some of these feelings I just cry and then sometimes, I just don't have any tears left.
* This has also been hard for my son Rob to be so far at a time like this. He has posted a beautiful tribute to his dad here. I have printed his post and will be bringing it to the hospital for his dad to read. I think this will bring a smile to his face.

I keep telling myself one hour at a time ~ one day at a time.

That is all I can do.


  1. This is a real tough time for all of you.
    Crying is not a bad thing, it can help you release all those thoughts and fears that otherwise would build inside you. It is a good release.It's going to be tough on Charlie, being in hospital so long, but if the doctors are right, and why shouldn't they be, then it will be for the best.
    It's hard for you to be strong when everyone around you is suffering, but you are doing a great job, and together you will make it.
    Love you, big hugs

  2. Too many things coming at you at the same time. Honey you are right to feel everything as it comes: to worry about loved ones, to cry, to voice your feelings and concerns to others in person and to the rest of us in black and white.

    All of this is good for you because you are not holding anything inside to mess with your head and your body. Hope you are getting enough rest and quiet time to keep you sane and strong. Thanks for letting us help and remember:
    The will of God will never lead you where the grace of God could not keep you.

    I read Rob's tribute. Charlie will love it.

    We love you all,

  3. I have known and loved you since you were born and I am telling you that
    I am so proud of you.
    for your strength, compassion, words,tears, feelings, truth,your prayers
    for your big loving caring heart.
    but mostly my dear I am proud of the fact that you are letting the people who love you be there for you in anyway they can.
    one day at a time is such a good thing. I am gald we spoke to each other today.
    I read Rob's bog as well and I agree Charlie will love it
    I know I did.

    love ya always

  4. Sometimes the only words that come are Angela dear, I love you with all my heart!
    Wanda Mom ~~ See you Tuesday!

  5. I am so proud of you mom. There will be better days. I love you.

  6. I'm praying for you guys. And for the kids. God's got you. I'm going to send you an email. I can never get real on these comments.

  7. inch by inch
    together we will
    reach that end

    and then we can all get on with much more interesting and fun things.

    I love you sweet girl,
    xox d

  8. Oh Angela,
    And you wonder if you are strong! I would have folded long ago, and you may stop and cry or let your true feelings out once in awhile, but this is strength in action, that you go on, giving and loving each day.

    This is so hard for you and for Charlie. I'm loving you both and praying daily for you. My heart is bleeding at his and your struggle with this disease. We will get through. We are all safe in His hands.

  9. hang in there kiddo!
    It is hard. I am so sorry you have to go through this and your husband. I will pray for you.