Saturday, November 29, 2008

I Believe


I have to smile every time I look at this photo. There has been a softness about Charlie since his cancer. Just like this for instance, he would have never rolled up his pants wearing his boots, let alone walk around like that in his pre-cancer days. I see him doing little things like this all of the time now.

In the last two c-scans since Charlie has stopped his chemo, the scans showed that there were two spots on his spine. They suspected that it was
bony metastasis (which I thought was just a fancy way of saying that he had arthritis), but also noted that it had not grown in the second of the two scans. The first scan, it went over my head. I was more focused on his cancer and what was going on with that. The second scan, I read, re-read and didn't like what had been noted about "it" (the spots) had not grown.
I decided to google some of the words that I didn't understand. One being
bony metastasis. My heart sank upon my readings. In his last routine appointment, we mentioned to our Doctor that Charlie was still experiencing a great deal of pain. Charlie has had a bone scan and it did show something and now they want to do an MRI. The MRI was scheduled the 14Th of November. Although we were called in the late morning of that day, letting us know that the machine had broke. Our next appointment has been scheduled a little over a week from now.

It is good that we are getting this done and we will know once and for all what these spots are. If it has spread to his bones then we will deal with it. If it is arthritis... that is to be treated accordingly.

I have been trying my best not to give this any energy and to look at the positive outcome either way. When the MRI was canceled, Charlie and I both felt as if it had drained us. We were both holding on to this date (of his first MRI) and knew very shortly we would know once and for all. As best as we have been trying to deal with this, it just showed us that on some level it is affecting us.

I believe in the power of prayer.

Send a prayer for Charlie.

What Is Bone Metastasis?

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Ulterior Motive

pumpkin patch

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and although I should be baking pies, I am procrastinating. I have a bit of trouble with the pie crust. I refuse to buy the "already made" simply because both of my grandmother's and my mom never did (okay, one of my grandma's did, though I am not saying who, but I saw how my daddy protested against this and it has stuck with me ever since). I never know how my pie's will turn out, but nonetheless they are made with love. Last year, I can sorta remember crying and maybe a curse word or two were involved. They did get made though.

I find myself looking forward to this holiday of Thanksgiving and have plenty of reasons for feeling this way.

1. It was always my dad's favorite holiday and probably the only holiday I didn't hear him grumble about. It was truly about getting together and spending time with one another. My family would have some serious (but not heated) debates about different topics that were going on in the world at that time. We would also play games and laugh into the night. There was always a good balance and growing up, I was always aware of it.

2. I always reflect on the year at this time and count my blessings. I am truly thankful to God for my husband. I am thankful for His grace and Mercy above all else. There was a time when I didn't think I would have my husband for one more week let alone through the holidays. I am also thankful that my daughter is so much like her dad. I have watched her fight her way to get better with her eating disorder. She wants very badly to be healthy in her mind, body and soul. If she keeps this up, I have no doubt she will get there.

3. I am looking forward to getting together with my family. On the other hand, I also can not wait for this Thanksgiving to be over with. I have to tell myself not to rush this holiday to get to the next. I don't want to miss the reason for this season. I am so thankful.

So this is where I feel a secret ulterior motive is settling in. Everyone knows that it is count down from Thanksgiving to Christmas. You see, our son and beautiful daughter in-law will be coming home for Christmas this year. It has been way too long since I have seen him... a year in a half to be exact. Charlie can not wait either. We have all longed for this moment and we are all getting antsy with anticipation. I find myself getting a little emotional with many feelings stirring inside me.

Note~ click on my very first photo collage (oh my goodness, this was so much fun). There are bee's on the flowers!

Monday, November 24, 2008

Call the police!

A picture was taken!

I recently took my daughter for a walk down a road where I used to babysit for one of my high school teachers. Ms. J is what we called her and she was my art teacher. She was the coolest! Her house was a street over from a park and the park like setting continued blocks out from it's diameter. I have wanted to take a walk on this street like I used to and decided to put the girls (our chi's) in the car and drag my daughter with me. I grabbed my camera just in case I saw some potential photos to be taken. As we walked you could hear the wind's breeze through the trees. It was wonderful! I took some pictures of this and that as Sophie was pulling me along. Some of my photo's are blurry because of that. As we made our way to the street along the park, a black Tahoe stopped and rolled it's window down. The woman inside asked me if I was a photographer. I didn't think anything about it, because quite frankly I am asked that quite often; I always have my camera with me and take pictures of things ~ don't you? I explained to her that no, I wasn't a photographer. I just took pictures for my blog. She asked me what blog? I told her it was just a personal blog. She asked me the name of it. I recall now that I am thinking about it, I didn't tell her. She asked me my name and I did tell her that. I explained to her that I used to babysit for one of my teachers. Anyways, to make a long story short, she started to ask me question after question. At first I thought she was just being nice and striking up a conversation. As she continued, she told me that she seen me take a picture of her house and was wondering what I was doing. That is when she showed that she had a little attitude. My daughter then spoke up rather loudly, "Look, my mom just likes to take pictures. She doesn't mean anything by it." It was then I realized the woman had literally jumped into her car looking for me and really just wanted some answers. It kinda shook me up and stuck with me for two days. It made me wonder what if someone had taken some pictures of my house, and what would have ran through my head. How would have I reacted? I had zoomed in on what attracted my eye, but to a person watching me, it looked as if I was taking pictures of their house... and I guess I was. I really didn't mean anything by it, but now I find myself hesitating and a little reluctant to take a picture. wahh*

Friday, November 21, 2008

Free Falling

necklace ~ a gift from Darlene

confetti of leaves

The weather has been so warm here that the kids are coming to school in shorts and tank tops. Because it is the month of November, my heart tells me to put on sweaters and boots, but my brain tells me to toss the sweater as soon as I put it on.

The temperature is supposed to drop and we are supposed to get some rain this next coming week.

How is the weather your way?

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Closed ~ Open

Anybody who knows me, would say that I am a bit reserved or shy. I have come across to people at first as being snobbish but when they get to know me, they come to realize I am anything but that. I wonder sometimes why I am the way that I am. I have been like this my whole life. I sometimes think they may not like me or have no interest in what I have to say about a particular subject. I wish that I could be more out going and not be so timid. But, then I wouldn't be who I am I guess.

Blogging has been good for me in that sense. It has made me reach inside myself and just put it out there; whatever I am feeling. It has also helped me to work through some of life's challenges. Though to be completely honest, it has also tripped me up. I can read some blogs where it seems the person has no problem expressing themselves and then I think, 'What is wrong with me?' I am learning to accept that, I am who I am.

It is all that I have to give.

And that is okay.

I am okay.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Uh Oh... I have been tagged by

Wanda Mom!

field of poppies

This picture was taken from my folder labeled bridge. It was a day, that I just had to get some fresh air. My life felt very heavy at the time. I remember that I had been cooped up in either a house or a hospital and decided to take a drive in the country. I ended up at Knights Ferry Bridge where incidentally, I would jump off into the river below with all of my friends in high school.

Pictures can hold a thousand words... or feelings.

"The rules…"

Find the 6th folder in your pictures directory and post the 6th photo in it.

So here are the instructions:

* Go to your sixth picture folder then pick your sixth picture.
* Pray that you remember the details.
* Post it on your blog.
* Tag 5 others, leave a comment to let them know they’ve been tagged.

I tag
Deb, Darlene, Mary, Jack, name open for whoever wants to do this.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Trial Run

painted barn door at the pumpkin patch

We had "Thanksgiving Dinner" at our school this last Friday. My day started with preparing this feast... not even forty five minutes into it, I realized that I needed help when I noticed the time and had not even started my breakfast for the kids. It just so happened that this day there was much more prepartion needed than a normal day. I panicked! I called Armanda, my trusty sidekick that comes in an hour and a half later than me, and asked her if she could come NOW! She was great and dropped whatever she was doing and was there to help me in a jiffy. I couldn't have done it with out her. I had to go back after my shift and help serve lunch; because there was so much food. Armanda and I were kind of surprised with ourselves when we were asked by the staff, "who made this great meal," by replying (just looking at each other dumbfounded, like who made this?) "Well, I guess we did." Later when we were washing the dishes, Armanda had mentioned to me that we made a turkey dinner for close to one thousand people. We were kinda shocked at that thought. Not that, that number changes. It is just that when we go in at the start of each day, we look at the menu and just prepare. We just do it with out really thinking about what we are really doing in numbers (If that makes any sense). She was pretty impressed with this thought and the seriousness of what we are doing. She then added that we could work for a restaurant. Hell's Kitchen ~ I don't think so.

Before you knew it, we were putting away the left over food, wiping tables and cleaning the kitchen. We all had to laugh at how it was... we prepared, served, they ate, we cleaned, it was over.

I felt wiped out when I got home. We had all joked about this just being a trial run with having to prepare and have our actual Thanksgiving festivities still ahead of us. I am grateful my mom will be having Thanksgiving at her home this year.
Thank you mom! I will be helping.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Traveling Light

Charlie's cousins Harley

I have always had a fascination with motorcycles. I don't want to be the driver, but would love to be the one on the back seat. I want the leather chaps, jacket and long hair blowing with the speed of the wind behind me... okay, I'm getting real ~ it would have to be in a braid because it would be a tangled mess. But, I want the whole nine yards and I can hear the music now!

Last year Charlie was looking at used Harley Davidson's before we knew that he had cancer. This last summer would have been the summer that Charlie and I had plans to just take off for the weekend and travel light. We had to give up that dream because life had other plans for us. When we head off with our trailer behind us on one of our camping excursions, it never fails that we will hear the roar of these beautiful bikes pass by us. Charlie and I will just look at each other and silently say in our mind to each other, 'Maybe next year baby.' My heart sinks every time with green envy, thinking that could be us. But, then I know that deep in my heart that it wasn't our time to experience that dream. It does gives us something to talk about for the future though. We have a little joke about the dogs and what would we do with them; we take them everywhere with us. I tell Charlie that we could get one of those side carts and put the girls (the chi's) in there. He would chime in, "Don't forget about Jack (our Rottweiler)." We will have to get them helmets; the one's with little spikes or horns. Can't you just picture us now? Varooom!

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Can't get this outta my head!

taken at the Pumpkin patch

From time to time, there are some songs that I hear on commercials that just stick; I can't seem to get it out of my head. Target always has some great jingles that are played during their commercials. Whenever this commercial comes on, I will start singing it out loud and find myself singing it through out the day in my daily routine. With the outcome of the Presidential Race (which I am quite pleased!), this little song resonates with me.

Brand New Day

Oh oh oh oh oh
This is a brand new day
And it's getting better every single day
This is a brand new day
And I'm feeling better when you say
La la la la la love
La la la la la love

by Tim Myers featuring Lindsey Ray

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Flaming Shades of Fall

Colors burst in wild explosions
Fiery, flaming shades of fall
All in accord with my pounding heart
Behold the autumn-weaver
In bronze and yellow dying
Colors unfold into dreams
In hordes of a thousand and one
The bleeding
Unwearing their masks to the last notes of summer
Their flutes and horns in nightly swarming
Colors burst within
Spare me those unending fires
Bestowed upon the flaming shades of fall

- Dark Tranquility, With the Flaming Shades of Fall