Tuesday, October 19, 2010
My name is _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about are my needs and how to go about fulfilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you, I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until I make a decision to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action. Until I make that decision, I will hurt you again and again. Stop being surprised. I am an addict and that's what addicts do.
I feel like I have been walking through a war zone, not knowing where the next bomb is coming from or when it is going to hit. I am having difficulty sleeping, and when I do, my dreams are nightmares. I also have a hard time concentrating. I find myself worrying about my sister and wondering how her problem escalated to an acme point of such self-destruction. I feel like I am often in shock and am having a hard time believing that this is really happening. When I do sleep and wake up, it feels like it's a constant hangover that won't go away.
On top of dealing with my sister's self-destruction, my mom and I have been filling out guardianship papers for my sister's four children and when we aren't with them, our time is spent at the court house or trying to catch up on our chores; something always needs to be done. Our whole family pitches in where they can and helps support one another when it's least expected. The children's ages are 19 months, 3, 5 and 8 years of age. The well-being and security of my nieces and nephew are the matter of utmost importance right now.
It has been hard to watch my sister disappear and become someone I don't know anymore. Addicts base their truth on a bed of lies. I love my baby sister so much. I find myself sad, angry, frustrated, and grieving these days. I know her recovery has to be her choice. I pray to God, she will hit rock bottom and come to her senses very soon before it is too late. I pray that He will prepare our hearts for that and will continue to give us strength to get through it, and wisdom to know how to handle it. My mom says this addiction is so much bigger than we realize. It must be so hard, as a mother, to watch and not be able to do anything.
Right now I'm trying to understand the difference between helping and enabling (I don't want to love someone to death)...and also learning not to let her addiction run my life.
I've come to understand that love doesn't hold a candle to addiction.
I feel emotionally bankrupt...
How do you just walk away from someone you love?