Perplexed

How is it, I share a home with a General Contractor and a College Graduate, yet I am the only one who knows how to assemble this contraption? I find myself snickering every time I put the roll on.

*NOTE ~ BELIEVE ME!
I am sure they could conjure up more than a few things about moi.
;)

Tests and More Tests!

Charlie's UCSF visit went well. At first, I wasn't happy with it. Our oncologist here, shared with us before we went, that our oncologist at UCSF had two surgeons to pick from and wanted us to see the more conservative surgeon opposed to the more aggressive surgeon. I thought to myself, 'Uhggg, he is going to drag his feet and we will be going back and forth.' The visit started out just the way I thought it would; the surgeon didn't want to do the surgery until he ran a few tests to see what was going on. He explained to us that it was a serious spine surgery and there would be reconstruction involved. The test he wanted to do is a Pet scan. This particular test would tell us more about the tissue and what was going on inside of Charlie. I thought, 'Well, why didn't they (the doctors) just do this one in the first place!' Well, we found out later it is because it is a nuclear test and this test is done only when necessary. It was at this moment I felt we were in good hands with this surgeon and therefore our oncologists; both here and in UCSF. The surgeon explained to us that when they get the scan results, all of the spine doctors and oncologists will sit around a table and discuss Charlie and what the best way to handle his case is. Charlie had this test done on Monday, and we are just waiting for the results. The surgeon explained to us, that it is not uncommon for a person to fracture a bone due to a prior accident from early on in life or a year ago. This weakens the bone and it does happen. It also happens from bone cancer. The surgeon wasn't comfortable that two biopsies Charlie has had, came back negative, although the tests suggest that he does indeed have bone cancer from the hot spots on his images. His last scan also shows that it is progressing up his spine. It's a lot... I know. After reading how the Pet scan works, I really feel good about this test. I think it will give us the answer we are needing so that we can deal with it or put it behind us and finally be able to go on with our lives one way or another.

*Note ~ There is a link where Pet Scan is highlighted

What Dreams Are Made Of~

Do you ever have a dream that lingers for a day or so and makes you think, 'Hmmm, what was that all about?' As time unwinds, I usually can figure it out. I have read some dream books and I like my interpretation much better. The dream books that I have read always are way off the mark of what you think the dream was about or the total opposite and make no sense at all! However, there may be some good dream books out there and I could be reading the wrong ones.

My dream started with me coming home (not our current home, but in the dream I knew that it was) and finding Charlie busy remodeling one of the rooms. When I walked in further, I found Tom Welling taking measurements of a window. I was taken aback to find Tom in our home, let alone helping Charlie. Tom introduced himself and we started talking about how he has enjoyed working with my husband; learning he would rather build things than act. This next part really surprised me because I would never do this in real life; I grabbed my camera and asked if I could take a picture of us. He said winking at me, "Sure! Only if the boss doesn't mind." Charlie said, "It was fine." I wasn't happy with the photo because I was in my scrubs and wanted to take a shower, do my hair and wear something more appropriate for the photo. I asked Tom, "How long will you be working with Charlie?" He said, "The rest of the week." I explained to him that I wanted to shower and look more presentable for our picture. Tom said, "Oh sure, no problem." That is when I woke up. I just thought to myself, 'That was a weird dream. What was that all about?'

Two days went by and I couldn't get that dream out of my head. As I sat around the table with my two daughter-in-laws, I shared my dream with them. Oh course they started razzing me but as I was telling them about it, I started to understand it more clearly. I have always felt that Charlie is my Superman; It just so happens that a healthy Tom Welling plays Superman. I have also wanted to take pictures of Charlie and I. Before we found out Charlie had cancer, I kept telling myself for a couple of years that it was time that we got some updated pictures of ourselves as a couple and regretted not getting those pictures once he had cancer and lost so much weight with chemo. Now that Charlie has gained some weight back, I have wanted my daughter to take some photos of Charlie and I but time never allowed it to happen. My dream was telling me, "Now is the time to get some pics with your Superman."

* Charlie and I will be going to UCSF at the end of this week to discuss with the surgeon what he wants us to do.

The River of Life

"­Do you ever wonder what makes up blood? Unless you need to have blood drawn, donate it or have to stop its flow after an injury, you probably don't think much about it. But blood is the most commonly tested part of the body, and it is truly the river of life. Every cell in the body gets its nutrients from blood."
Taken from the web site; How stuff works ~ How Blood Works

Although this last month has been a grueling experience for me, it was well worth it. Going into this, I had no idea this program was only a month long and I would be expected to learn a "career" in that short amount of time. There is still so much to learn. I will never forget coming home after the second night of attending this class and trying to "milk a finger." Charlie and I will ask each other what plans we have for the weekend; my reply after this particular Thursday night class was to go to a farm and practice milking a cow. Charlie's reaction was wanting more information and I had to explain to him, that I had to "milk" a finger and have never even milked a cow; I had to learn the skill. I never did practice on a cow, but I am sure I could do it now after this class. During the first couple of venipunctures, I was uncomfortable with feeling a rush when I would see the blood hit the tube. I didn't know if this feeling was because I hit the vein with success, and causing excitement. I also was uncomfortable with the feeling of how beautiful I thought the color of blood was. I was sharing this with my daughter-in-law Nessa as we were running and she said, "This is what vampires must feel like!" Which in addition, is also what they call a Phlebotomy Technician. I shared with my instructor what I was feeling and found two other class mates that felt the same as I did. With raised eyebrows, the look on our instructors face said that we said to much. We all had a good laugh. After 50 venipunctures, that rush is no longer felt, although I still think the color of blood is beautiful.

While attending this program, I have new respect growing with everything that I am learning about how our body functions. I find myself really thinking about what I put into my body and how I treat it. I recently had a physical and learned everything is good except I am anemic. The week before I had my physical, I noticed I was extremely tired during and after my daily run. I had just chalked it up to everything I was pushing myself with catching up to me. When I got my test results, it all made sense. After finishing my clinical last week, I am taking care of myself and have given myself permission to taking it easy this week. It has been so intense with the rigorous studying, a test with every class and learning the skill of drawing blood. It has been nice to take time, go over what I have learned and be able to really take it in.

The experience of working in a clinic was very interesting and quite different than working in a school cafeteria. The first day during lunch, we all sat around a table. As I ate my turkey sandwich the two Doctors, nurses, receptionist and Pharmaceutical Rep discussed Viagra and all it entailed. Of course the inappropriate jokes and conversation went along with this discussion as I only wanted to quietly slip out of the room. Our class instructor had warned us before our clinical that we would hear every form of gossip and encouraged us NOT to get involved. The very first day in the lab, one employee after another would vent what they were feeling about the other as that person would walk out. My back felt like it was going to snap when I got home from all of the tension and feeling nervous of not knowing what the day was going to be like. The rest of the week got better with every day that went by. I got through the doctors inappropriate jokes he would tell me and the back biting the ladies would try to invite me to join. Putting all of that aside, I enjoyed working in the clinic and the hands-on experience it gave me.

My next step in this journey is to take my NCCT (the state test). I am just waiting for my certificate saying I finished the program to arrive and then the date will be set. Until then, I will be studying and getting ready for that test. Our instructor will also open the lab at school on the weekend so we can continue practicing our draws. I can see a shimmer of light at the end of the tunnel!

*Blood taken from Google images

Jean Ann ~

March 21, 1942 - September 30, 2009


Jean, at the beginning of her Alzheimer's with Diandra while we were camping.

My Mother-in-law Jean Ann passed away September 30, she was 67 years old. Jean had Alzheimer's. The last week of her life, she was in the care of Hospice. We were fortunate to have a Hospice facility in the town that we live in and it just so happens to be down the street from where we live. After work, I would go for my run, rush to Hospice and take my homework and sit with Jean so that my father-in-law could go home and take a shower and get something to eat. During this time, I would talk to Jean and tell her what I was doing, my concerns for our family and how much I loved her. I told her how I admired her for going back to school and learning the Hotel management business, so that she could provide for her and her husband with his disability after his accident. She managed hotels for a man who owned one in San Simeon, Solvang, Monterey, and Salinas. That ended when when we found out about her Alzheimer's. This neurological disease took control of her brain fast and she was unable to talk with us. We slowly watched her leave us, to only see glimpses of her still there from time to time. At first when this would happen, she would only cry at the frustration of not being able to speak with us.

In Denair, Jean lived right behind us and the fence between our houses had a gate so that visiting came easy. I can recall the downfall to that was that I felt like I had to keep my house clean at all time and be on top of things. The upside to living behind them was that she always had a pot of coffee going, an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on and a heart ready to help you if in need. She made the meanest pot of chili beans, the best boysenberry jelly and a bowl of creamy oatmeal to die for. Jean was always ready and willing to cook a meal and could do so with just a few ingredients. Amazing! I can remember our family B-B-Q's in either of our backyards. My sister-in-law Sandy, Jean and I would all contribute a dish to the meal and we helped clean up together. During this time, we would share our concerns and laugh about the silly things the kids would do. The last several years, I would often find myself missing her and the way it was before the Alzheimer's, when our family got together. Helping in the kitchen and contributing a home cooked dish is just not done anymore. I feel that was the time when we came together and bonded in our "woman/sister hood"; our roots were able to run deep in our love for one another and grow.

When I had my daughter Diandra, Jean would come and get my son Rob in the morning and let me rest and get acquainted with my new baby girl. I would wake up to biscuits, boysenberry jelly and a pot of hot tea on a tray. She did this for two weeks. Jean loved her family and grand-kids. During the funeral service, there was a slide show that displayed endless photos of her with all of her grandchildren.


This was before seven grand-children were added to our family.

I often felt like Alzheimer's robbed us of time with Jean. My daughter read the poem Life Between the Dash at her funeral service and pointed out that although we had a limited time with Jean, this woman gave us the best years of her life. She illuminated characteristics of Jesus in the way that she loved us all. Diandra spoke beautifully about her granny and made us realize the time we had with Jean was to be cherished.

Diandra looked a lot like her grand-mother. I think you will be able to see the resemblance below.





Jean would hold the kids and recite this poem to them as she would hold their hands and clap. As I recall this memory, I can still hear the kids giggle as they tried to say it with Jean . Diandra started her eulogy with this.

"I love you little,
I love you lots,
My love for you
would fill 10 pots,
20 buckets,
30 cans,
2 foot tubs
and 6 dishpans."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


LIFE BETWEEN THE “DASH”

I read of a man who stood to speak
at the funeral of a friend.
He referred to the dates on her tombstone
from the beginning...to the end.

He noted that first came her date of birth
and spoke the following date with tears,
but he said what mattered most of all
was the “dash” between those years. (1934 -1998)

For that dash represents all the time
that she spent alive on earth...
and now only those who loved her
know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own;
the cars...the house...the cash,
what matters is how we live and love
and how we spend our “dash”.

So think about this long and hard...
are there things you'd like to change?
For you never know how much time is left,
that can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough
to consider what's true and real,
and always try to understand
the way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger,
and show appreciation more
and love the people in our lives
like we've never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect,
and more often wear a smile...
remembering that this special “dash”
might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy's being read
with your life's actions to rehash...
would you be proud of the things they say
about how you spent your “dash”?

by Linda Ellis


When Charlie went through chemo, I was scared, lonely, uncertain of what the future held for us and found myself wanting Jean more than anything. Sitting with her in Hospice, I told her this. I also told her that I knew with every fiber and cell in my body, that if she could have been by our side, she would have been and would never have left. I went on to tell her that in both of our hearts (hers and mine), she was there.

Forever in our hearts ~

Coming Full Circle

In High School I volunteered as a Candy Striper at our nearest Hospital. I took great pride wearing my red and white striped uniform. Some of my responsibilities started with greeting visitors and taking them to patients rooms. It eventually grew to filing medical records, to helping with getting x-ray film ready and developing them. Unfortunately, life happens and forces you to make choices. I had to stop volunteering at the hospital.

As time went by, I got married and helped raise our four children. My husband's sudden illness and periodic stays in the hospital re-sparked my interest in the medical field. Under the circumstances, life has guided me back to making a choice in pursuing a career.

Today, my goal is to become a Phlebotomy Technician. A hope and dream of mine is to one day, volunteer with a medical team in a third world country. When I went back to school to get my high school diploma, I realized that those dreams and hopes of mine could become a reality. My dreams had wings and I felt like anything was possible; there was nothing holding me back.

~~~~~~~~~~

NOTE: This post has been sitting in my draft section in my potential blog posts and I am just now posting it. I started my Phlebotomy program last month in the middle of September and cannot believe how intense it is and I have at times wondered what I got myself into. The instructor told us that we will be done by and take our final test October 15th. I was under the assumption that it would be the beginning of December and didn't realize that time was apart of our clinicals. I am panicking! The two nights that we attend class each week, we go over a chapter review, then are given a homework assignment and with that will be tested the next night we meet for class. After the second class of the week, we have a little more time to prepare because of the weekend, but after the first class of the week, we are literally cramming everything into our brain. In the second part of class (which is a total of four hours) we head to the Laboratory and start drawing blood on each other. I am surprised with myself that I am not afraid to insert the needle but am afraid of failing. I mentioned this to my husband and told him that even if I fail at this, I think that it would be worse to have not tried at all. It is so hard to think that if I fail, I won't be doing something that I have envisioned myself doing for so long... I can see myself doing this! Last night, there was another student, who has seemed to me, very sure of herself. As we were waiting for the instructor to watch us begin our blood draw, she had a far away look on her face, finally made eye contact with me and told me and another student that she was scared. I was taken back because of the way she presented herself. I asked her what she was scared of and she said, "This class is just very intense and going way too fast." I said, "Thank You! I am feeling the same way!" In sharing, we all three learned we weren't the only one in the class feeling like this. I will just keep doing the very best that I can do. That is all I can do.

I still feel like my dreams have wings. I just have to accept that the wind will take them where it will.

*Candy Striper Uniform photo is from googled images

Catching My Breath ~

mom's backyard ~ mirror on fence

So much has happened, I can hardly catch my breath. School is now in session as of August 12th and I am back to work. At the end of my summer, I welcome being back on a schedule of some sorts and feel more productive than not being on one. The third week into our school year, I was asked to cover someone for two 1/2 hours a day for five days. This was on top of my regular hours 6-10 a.m. At the end of my shift, my mind and body thought that it was time to go home, only to be reminded that it had to go on. I was feeling it at the end of the day. I have started exercising again and would go immediatly after getting off work. It didn't help that week was a scorcher. Those five days were grueling. I could totally rant about not understanding how one is needing time off when we just had two in a half months off... but I won't.

My baby sister Kiersten was in the hospital for two weeks with viral meningitis. It was pretty scary! She was released a week ago and is doing better. My aunt has learned that she has ovarian cancer. My mom, neice, aunt, uncle and I met with her for a quick breakfast while she was down for a funeral. It was so nice to see her! I love how when we get together from being apart for so long, it feels like we just pick up where we had left off. I feel safe with them. My aunt is in my thoughts and prayers.

My son Rob is being processed out of the military. He decided not to re-enlist for four more years. Rob and my lovely daughter-in-law will be moving back to California and will be home in a week. I am so excited! It has been a long four years.

I finally had an eye exam done. My eye sight is not as bad as I had thought. I am excited about seeing clearly again! Diandra was sweet enough to go with me to help me pick out some frames. My glasses will be finished with in 12 working days.

Our computer crashed, and we had to get a new one and I am in the process of getting aquainted with it. We finally got a new washer and drier! I can't believe how quiet this washer is and am now amazed how we ever thought we would use the one we had until it died. It was so loud, it sounded like a cannery inside my home. It was horrible. Charlie and I had dinner with some friends whose daughter had the same brand and model as ours. They told us the washer caught on fire! That was the deciding factor for us. We went out the next weekend looking for a new one.

I feel like I have been gone for so long.... as if I needed to go to confession. Honestly, everytime I logged in to start a post, that is how I felt. Silly! Really, it has been just living in the life stuff. I have to admit, I panicked when the computer went kapuee. The first couple of days was hard and then I was quite amazed how freeing it felt. It is good to be back. Although, it has made me look at the way I spend my time in a different light.

*Spell check is acting kinda funky. It is highlighting the end of one word and the beginning of the next word or just half of a word. What is going on? I need spell check.